i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
We have started to decorate penises.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
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