Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Randomize
