Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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