I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
