My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
