The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
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Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
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He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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