eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
