Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
