I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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