how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Randomize
