She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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