guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
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