he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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