I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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