I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.
I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
