She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
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