So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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