I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
