My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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