$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
