John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
