Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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