I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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