I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
you will always have a special place in my vag
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
