I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
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