i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
