Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize
