I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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