You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize
