I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
