Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
