I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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