Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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