Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I can't put those talents on a resume
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
