Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
