cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
