Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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