He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
