it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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