My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
