Your mouth is God's brothel.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
