Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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