I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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