I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
