Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
