Old men and throwing up are my life now.
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
