just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
