when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
