it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
