She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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