You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
