We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I just want to make out with him forever
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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