she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
