I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
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