Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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